The Reversal of Emotional Abuse

I never thought I would be sitting here writing about the effects of emotional abuse or the journey of reversing the effects but I found myself dealing with just that in my most recent relationship. Unfortunately, like many, I was blinded to what it was for 4 years. It wasn't until after the fact that I realized what had happened over the relationship.

I came to realize the man I was with was incapable of loving. He pulled me in by saying and doing all the right things - acting as a gentleman, a man that was there for me and had my back, cherished me. Once I let my wall down for him, that's when it all began. The comments about the way I looked and how he'd like me to change. The remarks about the way I was as a person - to honest, spoke out too much, defended myself against his best of friends. Everything I did was wrong. Everything I said was wrong. My body was never good enough. The way I helped with his kids was always too much control because I had lists and schedules - I was organized. I was never good enough - no matter what I did.

Now six months later, I find myself with a man of integrity, calmness, gratitude, and just plain gentleman qualities. I now can tell what a real man looks and acts like. I can see it is genuine and who he is in his heart. I am more than comfortable with him and trust him beyond words. Trust, for me, I thought was not possible but when the right man comes along and you feel it in your heart, you know, you know you can give your all and he won't hurt you. I am grateful I have that now. I have a man that calls me beautiful as a term of endearment, daily. Almost hourly. I have a man that on our first date bought "my" kind of beer that adhered to my dietary needs - yet I had never told him directly what it was but he listened, cared, and was there to make sure I was okay and taken care of. That is a true man! Despite his gentleman personality, I find times where my mind wonders, concerns arise, and I become worried it's not real. My past floods my brain and I feel weak and scared. I find myself concerned I'm diving into something that will fail, something that will take a turn, something that will end up like my last relationship. These thoughts can be scary and could scare me away from something great but I have chosen to embrace him as a whole and trust in him! In the last few weeks I have been learning how to reverse the effects of emotional abuse and despite it being difficult to always choose the better road, he is there for me to help me along. As our relationship develops I have found the worries flooding more often but at the same time with the five keys below, I have been able to control them much more quickly: 1.) Believe him. When he calls you beautiful, choose to believe him. Know that what he says to you is from his heart and he means it. If he says it, he's thinking it. Give him a chance to show you his thoughts without the negative connotation. You know what emotional abuse looks like now - you'll be aware if it happens again... trust that.

2.) Trust him. Choose to trust him and his actions. He is treating you right and has given you no reason to think he has negative intentions. He speaks highly of you and to you which shows you who he really is and how he feels. Don't doubt him until he gives you a reason to do so. Doubting someone based on another individual is unfair and not a reflection of love, in my book.

3.) Talk to him. Is something bothering you? Something sitting on your mind? You are thinking about how this can't be real or how scared you are that you will get hurt. Share it with him! Tell him how you are feeling and what's on your mind. If he is a true gentleman and cares about you deep in his heart he will understand. He will choose to be there for you, to help, to talk to you and calm your nerves.

4.) Open your heart. I know this one is easier said then done but open your heart. No matter how scared or worried you might be let him see you for you. Allow him to have a chance. If you keep your heart closed off, you will just be keeping a great man at a distance. Give him a chance and allow him to show you true love.

5.) Remember he is a different man. A good man. Always remind yourself that he is not the abuser. He is the gentleman, the man that has taken care of you, been there. He does all the right things and even though you have doubts, you need to remember he is different and the way he feels won't change for you for no reason.

Your past is your past for a reason, so let's leave it there. Focus on the present and when your past creeps in just remember and remind yourself of the greatness of the man standing before you. He is a great guy and you deserve every minute of his compassion and love! Enjoy it!