Don't Take Too Long

Grieving after a loss of a relationship is a huge part of the healing process. I feel the amount of time it takes for you to heal will depend on several things: the relationship, how it ended, who you have around you, who ended it and so much more. One thing I have learned is not to take too long to heal.

Healing is your your way to cope and understand the reality of what is and come to accept it. Now by no means should you not go thru this process but there are a few main points to remember.

1.) You control your keyboard. Imagine your life as a keyboard in which you type your life story as it goes. If you have full control of your own keyboard, no one else can control your future but yourself, which means no one can control you. Having your own life, identity, passions, etc. keep you in control. If you lose control you lose yourself. When you lose yourself, healing is almost impossible as all you crave is the comfort they gave you.

2.) Not moving on is allowing them control of you. I'm not necessarily talking moving on relationship wise but in general. Not allowing them to manipulate your thoughts, moments, or plans. After my break-up I found myself crying quite often over the slightest memory of what was; I would lay awake at night for hours just thinking about the why or how and disappointed in what was my life; I would text friends that knew what was happening just pissed off and angry because of something he did but I quickly learned (thru the help of counseling) that all of that was just him still controlling my life and until I let it go he would maintain that control.

3.) Just because you move on doesn't mean things won't hurt. Things they do or say will still bother you because even though they are no longer a big part of your life you still, as a good person, love and care about them. Do not expect them to never effect you again. I learned this lesson extremely fast after deciding to let go. I moved on, was focusing on myself, had control of my life and was happy. Had not thought about him in over a week (which for me was huge) but then I saw him at the bar...my bar, on my night, or so I like to think. I held it together while there, while everyone was around. I glanced over several times out of curiosity - a normal human trait. And then I left moments after watching him walk out ... with another girl, a mutual friend at that. I made sure to give them enough time to drive away before leaving to ensure I didn't see anything and could stay strong. Yet, I got in my car and just broke down, right there in the parking lot. It hurt. I didn't want to see him with anyone else let alone so soon after I just gained control of myself again but it happened and I became instantly depressed and loss control of myself for a day. When I woke up and had no drive to go to work, a job I truly love and have never missed unless truly sick, I knew I had to call my counselor.

4.) Call your counselor OR Find one. I have been fortunate enough to find the most amazing counselor. She truly cares about me. Spends extra time with me. Call and texts in between visits. See's me on a drop of the hat. She has been my rock thru this all. I never thought I would be in counseling, let alone over a relationship but when you put your whole self into something, losing it, loses everything you had. Find yourself a counselor, don't be afraid and embrace all they have to offer. I would personally offer a private practice and they will truly pride themselves on helping you - unfortunately you may have to pay out of pocket but for me, it is 100% worth it and I wouldn't take it back.

5.) Utilize the 5 Minute Rule. Lastly, after my last break down and going to see my counselor after missing work I have learned the 5 minute rule. Despite the fact memories, thoughts, issues, frustrations and so on will continue to rise even after you move on only give them 5 minutes of your time. Having a moment? Look at the clock and tell yourself "Okay, you have 5 minutes to think about this and then it's done." This has been the best trick I have learned from my counselor. I had to do it several times... in an hour the first day but you know what? Now I can think about my (step)kids without thinking about him. Now that is an accomplishment!

6.) Remember healing and moving on is a choice. Only you can choose when the time is right or when you wish to be happy for yourself. No one else can tell you to be ready. My counselor told me for months that I needed to go out and just enjoy life and while I agreed and I did on occasion, I was not ready until I realized I would have to choose to move on and chose not to let him control me anymore.

Moving on is happiness - with yourself, your life, and your choices and learning from your past.

Just keep smiling!